why am i receiving an ms teams message at 1 am?

2024 ✧ 03 ✧ 15

tw: suicide

I know I have poor emotional control: I'm about to get myself in bed and plug my work phone in, only to see that my manager has sent me a message at nearly 1 AM and now I'm ready to just accept just quitting on the spot, fuck the severance. I mean, what really is the point of messaging someone at 1 AM? Can you be concerned about me during normal business hours?

I admit my distrust of my workplace is at an all-time high, and what I thought was a solidification of support from my manager's side has now turned to reveal its other face. Earlier this week, my therapist commented that I was taking neutral statements and turning them into very strong judgements, so my first reaction was to give him the benefit of the doubt with this very normal work question (requesting a status update) and check if I forgot to manually set my status to Offline (It feels good to do and is a good boundary to signal the end of a work day) -- but I was offline.

So, really, what was the point of the message? It could have been sent in the morning, right? You could have sent a scheduled e-mail (maybe even a scheduled message, that functionality has got to exist) to send after 9 AM even if you were still up at 1 AM. I mean, there are so many solutions. I just opened the app again now and he didn't even remove his message -- I would have done that, and resent it at some hour after the sun's rays come out.

Whatever the reason, I'm sitting here simultaneously fuming and freaking out about it. Something like this:

Fuming: "What the fuck, why did he do that?"

Freaking out: "I'm going to get fired tomorrow and this last question is enough rationale to point out that I'm underperforming¹. Maybe I'm getting a PIP tomorrow? I already thought I was going to be fired earlier this week."

Fuming: "Fuck him, fuck that, no more extra suffering for this workplace. Also, rough draft isn't even due until the following week."

Freaking out: "I no longer know if I can complete the task. How much do I need to review before I can start on it? I forgot everything. Are they going to ask me questions?²"

Fuming: "Look at how this fucking job has distorted your thinking and sense of worth. Why do you keep getting in your own way? Honestly, fuck them, fuck this, if the road ends, isn't that what you want anyway? Can you go to fucking sleep now?"

In addition to applying for more jobs, it's in my best interest to make budgeting work for me if I'm going to anticipate living without a source of income³. Money is a difficult topic, not because of the numbers and math, but because of the psychological power it holds. A while back, my friend shared the Money EQ course by Ken Honda from MindValley with me -- I barely started it because I spent a lot of time contemplating something he said: Receiving $10fromyourmother(orotherclosefamilymember,biologicalorotherwise)feelsverydifferenttoreceiving$10 from your employer, despite it objectively being the same value amount. It was interesting to me because it was a great illustration of how humans aren't machines, no matter how much we try to "optimise", and how we can feel about something can be influenced by factors that are both static and transient or informed from a period of time that has already passed through; that is, our feelings are informed from our experiences, short- and long-term, as well as by our moods, desires, emotions, along with basic biological needs of water, food, movement -- isn't that incredible to have so many dimensions working to create this living 3D experience! I guess it's exciting to remember I could have a different life, and it could start with working at a place that actually gives sick days instead of it coming out of your PTO (how that is not illegal, I don't know, and honestly I have not researched it, but don't even get me started on PTO because I have very upsetting flashbacks...)

In graduate school, I didn't understand why some of the professors I had only worked in Industry for 5-7 years. Wasn't the money good and wasn't the mission fulfilling? I think they, too, had to save themselves. Someone I worked with retired recently. There was a sizable office party and a lot of talk of this person's accomplishments. And then there was me, remembering all the negative interactions, and feeling very sad, because I know that someone who worked under this person took their own life and that was the biggest omen of all that foreshadowed the work and mental decline that would follow me. I didn't know this former colleague but I know that the conditions of this job probably made it very difficult to properly take care of themselves, and what was really depressing was that a family member contacted the workplace the very next day to ask how to return the work items. Working under manufactured stressful conditions to meet shareholder expectations is no way to live and the shadow of that coworker crosses my mind every time I see people overworked or their time not valued or respected. And it looks like I don't even respect my own time because now it's 3 AM here (less sleep, more close to working hours, where I will have to answer this 1 AM message?!)

New life! New life! Going to figure out a new life!