time is a circle (#2)
A few days ago, boygenius1 announced a hiatus, and Phoebe Bridgers mentioned that she "couldn't feel her life", and I don't know why this happens or what the trigger was, but it made me ask myself: What was I really feeling now? I've been doing a lot of things, or so it seems -- but have I? What have they even been?
an unordered list of life events
- I'm avoiding work and openly defying return to work guidelines. Some days I wake up afraid of being reprimanded. And then I laugh, and laugh, and laugh, no one can ever make me feel bad about this but myself, no one can scare me into going back, I know too many bad feelings from being there, and besides, my latest fantasies are not about evening out resentment, but if they can just fire me, I'd take the severance, but I'm editing a cover letter and going to make a step forward before too many things come tumbling down.
- I skipped work to go pick up organisational units for my apartment. Once I resorted the front closet while watching Ugly Betty (I have been watching a lot of this show, I never caught it when it was on air, and I don't think I could have followed the plot when it came out serially...) I felt a sad realisation that I, too, was not really able to feel my life, so maybe I shouldn't take all my recent negative thoughts so seriously, and the Human Design reading told me to monitor my emotional flow, to figure out its temporal patterns, so yeah, time is back to a circle, just have to remember it comes back to the good again.
- I rearranged my apartment. However, I also saw a mouse, and then I found an opened granola bar with the wrapping chewed off. The exterminator came today. To be honest, I could have done it myself, I've set up traps before, but I really want my oven to be replaced (it doesn't work) and was hoping that there would be a family of mice there to justify getting a new oven. I'm trying to turn a new leaf and cook more, but I guess I still have the small air fryer, better than nothing, I made some nice sweet potatoes.
- I fell off the writing circle, and writing in general, but tonight is my catch-up/introversion/paranoid introspection/journalling night. I already feel bored though, or I'm scared that I can't feel enough to write, to try to remember my days, sometimes I do so much and remember so little, which is what all this writing was supposed to help me remember. But the problem with remembering is that the feelings really guide what gets put on the page, and I don't know if I've known how I've felt through these days.
- Medication shortage! Thereby leading to erratic medication habits! In times like these I lean into Astrology and am grateful for a Capricorn stellium that lets me steel through any emotional barrier to still be very operational to a detriment, so here's this unhinged post to this little corner of my Internet! Ha, who am I kidding, operational? I already knew I should have left this job sooner, but it doesn't really matter if I do get to get out. I just don't know if this judgement of feeling like I haven't grown up is coming from a real place or not (it probably isn't based on what I already said above)
Sometimes it's comforting to me to know that time is a circle. When things are bad I know to hold onto the hope of a better time. It's only scary when you don't realise when things are getting bad again. So... just another reminder how good of a tool pen to paper is for me overall.
₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊˚
I have not listened to The Record in its entirety. I'm still not sure why. I've been a fan of Julien Baker for a very long time (acquiring Red Door on Record Store Day was the beginning of my journey into vinyl records; the other records I got were the Lost in Translation soundtrack and a 12" of Madonna's "La Isla Bonita", a song where I have a main character moment in my head whenever I hear it played in public because I like to to think it's for me), then Phoebe Bridgers later, and Lucy Dacus followed suit. When I saw them in Detroit, renovations were being done on the Fox Theatre and as a result of that, there were some loud industrial fans blowing the entire time. I still have the shirt from that show but it looks too tight on me now.↩