dissociating during the dinner party
I hosted a Lunar New Year ending party at my place today, celebrating and sharing food from my family (literally, directly) with some friends here. I want this post to be about happy memories and only feel acutely aware of how distant I feel, how that creeping feeling of alienation slipped into the forefront of my mind, and suddenly, obsessively, I was trying to somehow understand whether any of these people truly felt like I was worth their time, wondering if these promises of shared activities will occur or if it's just another passing promise, like Adrienne Lenker sang, a pendulum indeed. I already kind of know that all of this is temporary, all the things I said about time being a circle of rhythms, patterns, cycles, that once I get myself back into equilibrium with my medication, things may look a little -- or maybe even very -- different.
I seem to get some sort of social anxiety when it comes to playing games? Something about being in front of people and being perceived? The only thing I'm good at is keeping a poker face, but I'd be miserable at that game, for sure.
Or, we can look and remember that I didn't eat, I was hosting. It felt good to welcome people into my space, and I can say that I've been proud of what I've been doing, and will continue to do. But what is the point of being satisfied indoors when that seems to make you lose your connection to the societal outside?