notes from rotting inside
there were a few weeks in march where it was unseasonably warm, and it seemed to have a detrimental impact on my moods, emotions, behaviour. the last two weeks were cloudy, seemed to fix my mood because it was more aligned with my mood; yesterday someone got a picture of the lightning striking the torch of the statue of liberty, and on the ride home i saw a big jeep with a license plate 'XECUTIVE', all of this just weighing so heavily on my mind, how i hate imperialism and late stage capitalism, i can't (but i can) comprehend how violence in our modern day can be enacted with such precision due to the training of models that were built by smart and capable humans. when i think about wasted talent, i think about the minds that go into developing items of destruction when they could be doing something that would spread more good in the world. then there's the video of the employee of a large weapons manufacturing company (you know the one) who comes out wielding a knife, exclaiming someone's going to die, just so that he can get back to work... to making items... to kill people...
my manager at work has finally tried to gently get me back on track. i learned this week that i have an interview at a company and i don't actually have any material prepared for a talk. sometimes it feels like i'm really embracing playing with fire because i'm fixated on the idea of exiting this industry, so what do i really have to lose, right? if i'm going to try to give myself another shot at this industry, at least have it be in a company that provides separate sick days from PTO, and where i don't have to refuse to comply with the on-site rules. the empire can crumble, i can't hold that weight any longer. even though i have the technical skills, i don't have the motivation, i hope that they'll have me as a personality hire, though that runs the danger of my colleagues potentially not taking me seriously (not a new phenomenon anyway -- but you have to hold people accountable and push for accuracy even if they make you feel like nothing more than a glorified assistant).
sometimes it feels like being with my partner can be challenging because our ups and downs are never synced. when one celebrates, the other mourns, and i have fears of us growing apart. my partner's parent will have to undergo radiation and chemotherapy very soon, after being free for almost a decade. i'm doing my best to be supportive but overthink everything now, especially with the voice in my head shaming me for not being around when my own mother was going through something similar, then it goes into other disparate things, like i'm a bad friend because i can't remember things or pay attention. these days i try to cut the monologue short by trying to get myself addicted to video games again. it's not really working.
i've noticed that i've gotten more migraines this year than i have in the past 10 years combined. earlier this week i tried to smoke as much as i could so that i could sleep off this sharp pain on the right side of my head. looking at a light too long made me feel like i needed to go back and puke. i cut a conversation with a friend short because i needed to just lie in the dark. my eyeballs felt so dry and large, like those fucked up goldfish with the eyes out of the sockets.
i started a new writing class that has been a new source of inspiration to me. i have to remember that it's a privilege to be in community with so many talented and unique people and that it's okay if i don't feel that way about myself. at least i'm trying to do something different in my life now. and i could probably benefit from going back on my medication full-time, but i really do feel concerned with the intermittent loss of my medication with the shortages going on, so why even bother to make it work if it wrecks havoc when it's not here, just go back to struggling and watching life fall apart, getting intermittent bursts of 500% energy, and then rotting under a 20 lb blanket until you can do more than pour a bowl of cereal for yourself to eat.
recently i've been fearing that i'm still fucking up my 30s. i don't want to feel more hopeless, especially with the freedom and independence i've gained through the course of my life. i think i'm just struck by how lonely things can feel, and that i can't appreciate the temporality of things because i long for permanence. but i guess i can embrace temporality knowing that this feeling doesn't last long, though it does always come back... as do the seasons...