tension
I've had some really good interactions with friends in the past couple of weeks and trying to prioritise my personal connections. Fuck work. In the beginning of the month, I had a remote interview that went from 11 AM to almost 7:30 PM and I had so much anxiety at one point that I puked during the hour break I had between speaking to people. I laugh in my head when I think about the fact that I'm still pretending to try to go through the path of a normal life when so much is wrong with the world. I can't fucking do both. I think it's hard to be a good human in the world. I know I feel guilty when I listen to the music I loved as a teenager because teenage me would be disappointed, but not surprised, at where adult me is now. At the same time I think teenage me would also be amused at what adult me gets up to.
I have been struggling with doing too much lately. Too much travel, and then too much interviewing. Stress one way or another, and then always feeling guilty for having fun. When was the last time I had a good night's sleep? In Vegas I created a horror story in my head and it took me a while to shake it off -- it was scary, and then also a little disappointing in how I judged my friend's character in order to lend validity to that story that I really did begin to fear for everyone's safety.
Anxiety is good though, it keeps me disciplined, or at least it keeps me showing up in daily life going through what everyone else is going through. Or maybe it's just a sign that I need to stop listening to 2008 screamo music at midnight when I have an interview the next day. Why the fuck did I stick myself with two back to back ones? I need to take better care of myself.