fine, i should take my medication
it's been almost 2 months since i last updated this semi-intelligible space (i regularly smoke weed and haven't read a book in months, so it's anyone's guess whether my brain has rotted or if i don't want to face myself and "take an active interest in my life" as i once wrote). many things have happened. i look back at myself in march and just remembered mostly suffering. many unfortunate things have happened in my personal life since then, but some then-disappointing events in the past turned into actually-beautiful events, so suffice it to say that i've tried to let myself believe more in the goodness of humanity -- and that it is valid that i have depression and adhd! (dammit, can't just acknowledge it but then not do things to accommodate it since that worsens the suffering, can't ignore it away either).
here's a chain of the ups and downs of my life in the past 1.5 months:
the good
went to my first indian wedding down in atlanta! the food was incredible, the traditions and festivities so rich and beautiful, and it was an interesting group of people.
the bad
my people-pleasing tendencies urged me to be kind to my friend's college roommate. i learned too much about this person. she was the type of person to never ask anyone a question about themselves because she was too busy talking about herself. a compliment dished out from her, leading to a compliment in return, was the only source of fuel she needed to talk about herself! it was incredible.
the good
the other friends were the ones who wanted to party (the husband was in a college fraternity - kept forgetting this - but i know how to blend in) and as a result the alarm went off in the hotel room where, yes, a group of 30+ year old adults had to allow a red-haired freckly boy only a few years out of puberty to remove the alarm from our room on 4/20. :~) i stood around guiltily in the hallway because i felt predominantly responsible but was relieved for a good story to tell. (it's good because it's a bonding experience!) (plus, the afterparty was apparently so active that people in the surrounding rooms threatened to call the police on them.)
the bad
there was something wrong with my plumbing for about 2 weeks before i left for the wedding for 3 days. sometimes it would just make this bubbling noise and the water levels got a little low. was it a cause for concern? i didn't think so. when i came back from the wedding, i was horrified at what i found. it looked like literal shit came up into the bathtub and the toilet. i took pictures and immediately sent it to my landlord to urge him to help me take care of the issue in the morning. in my high levels of stress, i also felt it was important to emphasise that no one was in my apartment (did i really think my landlord was going to blame it on me? i guess i did). i went to bed, and around 7 AM i heard a rushing water sound. at first i thought i was dreaming, but in my heart i knew the worst had come -- the toilet was definitely fucking overflowing. and all that shit was going to spread out from the bathroom and into my apartment FAST. panic called my landlord, he instructed me how to turn off the water, things were eventually resolved.
the good
imagine if i stayed another day in atlanta. my whole apartment would have been fucked. i had friends who invited me to come over, shower, and decompress before returning to the literal shitshow of my apartment.
the bad
well, it was still fucked. since there's a raised edge on the bathroom entrance so that it's higher than the rest of the floor, it was a sewage waterfall in my apartment. i'm honestly still kind of pissed my landlord didn't feel more urgent to send a cleaner after what happened.
the good
the sewage did not reach the bedroom, just the living room. it was unpleasant moving the couch to neurotically bleach the floor because of the contact with human waste (MY NEIGHBOUR'S WASTE??) but i liked having the couch pushed forward in the apartment, opening up an area where i could store items i didn't want to see, like the cardboard boxes full of things that i have yet to find a home for. the cleaner i hired made me feel safe to be in my space again and also removed this yellow stain (NOT shit) on my bathtub that had been there forever (and that i was convinced i made worse).
the great!
flew to utah for kilby block party with M and K and saw JOANNA FUCKING NEWSOM, who hasn't played a show in the last seven years! (i decided to attend all 3 days of the festival since i saw her name on the lineup). the crowd was so still and everyone was crying to her music. i was pissed at first that the guy next to me was literally 7 ft tall (i am 5'1") but softened my feelings towards him after he was also crying to her music. a couple next to us asked us to take their picture, and we ended up seeing them around salt lake city in random places each day after.
the bad
i definitely caught covid in utah. and it was almost as bad as the first time, though no coughing for me. the fever, the fatigue, i took almost 3 days off of work since i couldn't be conscious for more than like 5-6 hours a day. i finished ugly betty and then felt sad about it after because i was still sick and didn't want to watch another show so soon. i was also dealing with other disappointments surrounding apartments and (lack of) job offers. i ended up taking a new project but, again, i am so disinterested in my work right now, and i can't imagine doing anything "useful" while, again, there's a genocide going on. today i thought about my mother's love of plants and wondered if she cultivated a deep appreciation for them due to growing up in a time of war on her soil. there's a guilt that comes up from having some moments of enjoying your life and losing the capacity to engage in very real, very violent, very fucked up things going on in the world. turning away from that made me feel like a shell of myself. and maybe it's why i'm afraid of delving deeper in how i articulate myself, why i don't read books as much anymore, afraid of the emotions that will channel out from being able to achieve this -- "this", which i don't even really want, this "normal" way of being, though there were many nice normal things i enjoyed in the past few weeks. i'm having fun, and then i'm punishing myself right after.
the present
the gift of the full moon has made me a very lucky person. (i also am earnestly taking my medication and find it shocking that i went through many things in the past couple of weeks without the support of my medication... there i go, making things hard for myself again) after my 2 negative days of covid testing, i immediately tried to go to a show at a very intimate venue. i wanted to gamble and see if i could get tickets at the door despite it being sold out (and it was actually sold out -- they said they'd only start letting people in for door tickets at the time when the first artist was supposed to perform, which was more than an hour after doors opened!). a woman ended up having an extra ticket and i wound up getting in because of that. she was a lot older than most the crowd, in her 40s, and chatted when the artists weren't performing. she made me feel more okay about my apartment, made me see that it doesn't matter how old you are, the pull between the head and the emotional/physical heart may always exist within you. so once i can get over disappointing people in my life and not continuing my current career path, i'll feel more free and empowered to do what i want. but it would be nice if a shift to a different company changes my perspective (or is it that part of my that's stupidly clinging to 'normality', partially because i've been having a difficult time mentally and keying into behaviours that are 'normal' to retain?). i feel bad for not having gone to the writing class in a month, it's already over, i should at least write to the instructors to let them know how i felt. there were so many great people in that class and not showing up made it hard for me to feel justified to be in community with them, which probably exacerbated my isolation streak. shame, isolation, shame, isolation, that's what i know - but now perhaps i can change from what i know.