i wanted to look for you but instagram reels told me that it would push you away
somehow i have fallen back into the old dating trope of being a person with an anxious attachment style who meets a person with an avoidant attachment style and now i have lost my mind through the obsessive loops winding in my mind. somehow i thought i would avoid this dynamic by dating multiple people at once, to temper any limerence or hyperfixations that would bubble to the surface, only to feel that the person i wanted to know more about was you.
everything i know about you is 30% through asking you questions, and 70% of observing you and the items around your apartment. everything you know about me was voluntarily brought up by me because i don't recall any questions you ever asked me about myself, but i expected that, coming from a man.
i kept a tally in my contact notes about when your inconsistent behaviours triggered my anger and anxiety, to remind myself that i don't really know you, and that my life and self-worth cannot be linked to our interactions, but once i discarded that guard, you discarded me.
i'm a fool for wanting to believe that we'll find our way back to each other when what i need to do is look in the mirror and warn myself of all that i would seemingly give up for just a little more time with you. i feel sorry for all the friends i have to recapitulate the drivel coming out of my weak emotional state. for some reason i believe we could heal together if i told you the truth of my insecurity but i have lived in so many fantasy states since you have been gone that i've lost the line between reality and dreaming and only feel my body in physical space as disconnected flesh.